Swimming Endlessly

I’m sure we’ve all had these moments where it seems like you’re just stuck in an oblivion, waiting for something to materialize and make sense. Instead, it’s more like dread. Dread of everything happening and collapsing around you because you know damn well that when September comes everything will change. Your fate will be decided once the clock strikes midnight and either you’ll be doing what you want, or you’ll be stuck behind and have to put life on pause for a minute trying to figure it all out. For me, it’s a mixture of messes and lost expectations. Starting with graduate school and ending with a boy.

I still don’t know whether or not I will be attending the University of Michigan in the fall and orientation is supposed to be held within the next few weeks.

I felt something for someone for the first time in a long time. He wrote me off and tried to give me excuses. And to be honest I feel empty. I don’t like the feeling of putting myself out there just for it to come crashing back in my face.

Long story short. Depression might return, anxiety is slowly creeping back. Cynical Renee may also be back.

I joined Chaarg. I’m running miles in the morning before 8am. I need to  start yoga and daily meditation. I’m hoping that Chaarg will keep my mind straight and my soul intact. I need them know a little more than I had intentionally planned; maybe that’s the magic of Chaarg.

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A breath of fresh poison

He made it look so easy. So easy to bear my guard down, to open up and let another being know me better than others; so easy to be with. His touch burned as he placed his hand on my cheek and kissed me so softly it didn’t feel like anything at all. He was gentle and acted like he cared. Acted. Funny thing about acting, you can fool people with it.

I thought it went well, genuinely thought he was interested, and I started to let my guard down. Well I shouldn’t have.And I won’t whenever I see him next. I deserve someone who will make the effort to at least respond to things or say hi if I see them in person, not just wave at me. I’m not disappointed in him, I’m disappointed that I allowed myself to think differently than I normally do. I don’t trust easily, plus with my depression and anxiety coming back, I shouldn’t have to spend my night second guessing whether it’s me or him. My mind can’t take that. My soul can’t take that.

I thought he was a breath of fresh air, no he was just a deep breath of poison.

Life Above the Forty-Fifth; First Entry (Title Pending)

This is just how life was for her. Arden Joy would work her ever loving ass off and give everything to be there, or to get the things she needed or wanted while still getting fucked. And not in a good way. Second Rate. It’s what she was and what she meant to people and she still doesn’t know why or how she got that title or meaning. It was either that or her friends had an expiration date. Like clockwork, when six months came, they would soon be nowhere around her.It was bullshit, really, but at this stage in her life she was so jaded it didn’t even phase her. She stopped pretending like it bothered her a long time ago. Although, normally it only happens to boys that she liked. She would spend time talking to them and if she didn’t put out by a certain time, they stopped calling her, stopped responded to her texts-her efforts, and they would fade back into the place where she never knew them. It was brilliant actually. They made it look so easy, so simple, to not care at all while deep down inside her she was desperately trying to reach out and hold onto someone, anyone who would stay. Now though, the older she got, it wasn’t just boys who were leaving – it was everyone. Maybe some would come back, and they would say that they’ve changed, they really didn’t. People don’t change and she would be the first person to tell you that.

See, now take her best friend, Harper. Everything Arden wasn’t while never having to try. It was stupid how often things were just handed over to  just because of who she was. She even had the textbook ‘I don’t care, things just work out for me’ attitude Arden lacked. Harper had the brains, the guys falling over her, really everything? So why couldn’t she?

The Beginning is Now

 I went to a local bookstore and spent too much in books and outlined our novel; at least outlined my character in the series. Series? What am I thinking? The beginning is now, and she’s nameless.

I have to work a lot this summer, and I need to write my paper for Michigan, but I want if not all, half of our novel written and planned. I need this, it’s reviving me. 

First Day of the Rest of My Life

Unless I go to graduate school.

*Spoiler Alert* Eventually I will.

Today I took my last final exam in my undergraduate career, I went through commencement yesterday, and I am finally an Alum of EMU. It’s a weird feeling that I’m sure will be more strong when fall starts back up again. I can’t imagine it yet anyway.

How Content Isn’t Good Enough

My college journey is soon to be over and then it will all be a memory. That being said, I’ve recently just been replying to the question, “How are you feeling?” with the words, “I’m content.” It wasn’t until today that I realized that content isn’t good enough and not how I should be living my life. It isn’t how anyone should be living.

We should be living lives as passionately as possible and be jumping up and down because of it. We should be happy to go to work. We should be happy. Period.

Screw mediocrity, screw the expectations others have for us, now is the time to do what we want because we want to. We should want to go to work everyday, go to school to study what we want, and live life the way we should. Don’t know what you want to do? THERE IS TIME. Sure, everyone says, “Oh just go and do what you want to do” But when we have no idea what that is because we have to study four things and be mandated to test on those four things, there is hardly room for anything else. I suck at all four of those things, I was much better with music and hands on. Well unfortunately that doesn’t make money and I was talked out of it. Am I happy I’ll be working with people? Maybe, who knows. I fell for the trap of doing what people say and it’s hard to leave that trap.

We should be individuals leading our lives. Content is not happiness it’s mediocrity that we refuse to act on.